Monday 7 September 2009

PREVIOUSLY ON SEAN RODRIEGUEZ: CHRIST SAVER….

When we left our brave and legendarily endowed hero, he was moving quickly through the dunes of Nazareth to save Jesus Christ who was trying to fight off a crowd of Ninja Romans who were intent on his capture. With his trusty troop of animals he had taught to dance to Barry White songs, Sean raced over the land with the sole mission of saving the son of our Lord. The following will soon be released in film form in “The Bible: The Funky Version”.

The sun glinted off the helmets of the Ninja Romans as they moved menacingly toward Jesus who, with sweat making his white robes almost see through was beginning to tire as the 50th warrior lay slain. Blood dripped from his cracked knuckles and the sand had turned a dark red from the gore strewn about as he fought on bravely. These warriors were not going to stand in Jesus’ way of attending a dance off with his arch nemesis Sean Rodrieguez, the stunning figure of a man who had captured his fathers imagination and approval with his slick moves, smooth way of talking and cool so effortless he’d often been known to start new trends, both social and fashion, each day he rose from the large leopard print bed decorated with semi nude models, each with personal problems more exploitable than the last. 

On the horizon though there spawned a dot, a dot which if one didn’t look for it was barely recognizable and lo, it was Sean Rodrieguez storming toward the scene on the back of his loyal elephant Eddie. Behind him followed his feared cohorts in battle, the Lion named “Graham” and the Bear whom nobody knew the name of, as he wasn’t the talkative type. Sean had had no time to change his clothes and whilst he wasn’t usually known for attending battles dressed in a pristine suit, today it was so. Sean spat with scorn at the floor racing by as he realized his hairstyle was fast becoming undone by the wind racing through it. Though onlookers would describe it as flowing mane, Sean merely regarded it as a complete nuisance and one that could perhaps hinder his seductive abilities after the battle to the point of perhaps only 2 or 3 women and even those would not be simultaneous. “The things I do to save people” thought Sean bitterly as he reclined his legs and changed the iPod in the dock on the Elephants back (for Sean was around 2000 years in advance in electronics to his peers) from shuffle to select his favourite battle theme.

Jesus by now had grown weary from battle but so had the Ninja Romans, reduced to their last few they had decided to sit it out and wait for reinforcements. Jesus took this time to have a much needed Marlboro and sit on a pile of the fallen Ninja Romans, wiping the sweat from his brow with his bloody hands. He thought wistfully of all that had gone wrong before him. The apprenticeship in Carpentry he had never finished and the various job prospects that had cost him. At the time Jesus had no real interest in his career and had decided instead to go on a two-year bender, most of which he couldn’t readily recall at all. Thus it was that when Jesus returned to finding gainful employment he could find little more than cleaning jobs and minimum wage 44 hour positions in trades so simple he couldn’t ever imagining embarking into a lifelong career in them. Luckily he had landed his position as King Of The Jews, and despite the lack of any real pension it was a great position. He’d got lucky there he supposed, but everything from that point was such a downhill slope he could scarcely ignore the decline. Then there was Jo, why had he ever let it end in such a way. Two years of relationship, talk of engagements and love cast aside for her talking to Judas so much.

 “Judas wasn’t even that bad of a guy really” Jesus thought “I bet if I gave him a chance we’d have got on like she said.” 

But she was gone and many was the night Jesus had spent drinking Jack Daniels in a darkened mud hut listening to “their song” on repeat on his stereo, wondering if he’d meet another girl like her. Certainly there had been flings Jesus remembered them with a smile. It had never been a challenge for Jesus to score in the clubs; something about the long hair, goatee and ability to turn water into wine had always made him a hit with the ladies. But in each one-night stand he grew more and more disenchanted with the single life and it was all he could do to not focus on that one failed shot at happiness he’d had. But starting tomorrow it’d all change, he’d make moves and he’d move past her, be happy again, maybe even start that apprenticeship again and really make a go of doing what he wanted to do. But then he heard the rumbling sound on the distance and knew instantly all he had promised would be useless now. On all sides he was surrounded by legions of Ninja Romans, all staring at him in unison, the samurai swords glimmering in the blistering desert heat.

“Fuck me” Jesus thought, the Marlboro hanging loosely from the corner of his mouth. “Now I’m proper fucked.”

The wind was the only noise for what seemed an eternity as Jesus looked around at his certain death…

Elsewhere Sean Rodrieguez was still racing toward the scene, standing atop his galloping elephant and smoking as he looked toward the crowd now gathering around Jesus in the distance. He was gaining closer now, but even a man or god like Sean couldn’t be sure whether or not he’d make it there in time…unless he did something drastic. Clenching the filter of the cigarette tightly between his teeth Sean threw off his suit jacket into the air and stamped his heel once onto the elephants back, the Elephant stopped dead and slung Sean through the air at an incredible pace, still smoking toward Jesus and his assailants.

So it was that just as Jesus had become resigned to his fate, Sean flew through one side of the army like a missile and came to a sliding stop next to Jesus just as he finished his cigarette. 

“Jesus Christ!” Said Sean “You’re lucky I showed up” 

Then he knocked down his Ray Ban sunglasses and sighed as the Ninja Romans began to advance in perfect unison, spears and samurai swords sticking from the gaps in their shields. Sean would not stand for this.

“NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKERS!” Sean bellowed and with that he and Jesus launched into battle.

It is often a section missed out from the bible, the day that Sean and Jesus alone battled and defeated 300 Ninja Romans barehanded but that needs attention, for few stories show the awesomeness of Sean Rodrieguez as well nor show just how much help Jesus needed to become the figurehead he is now. 

Jesus went home from that day a new man, no longer scornful of Sean Rodrieguez because he had witnessed first hand the awesomeness of the man. He went back to his carpentry apprenticeship and later became a fully qualified carpenter (also the Son of God). He and Jo never spoke again but he moved on and found love again. As for Sean Rodrieguez? Seeing that his work was now done, he merely thanked God and Jesus for their hospitality and climbing onto the back of his Elephant travelled on throughout the land, looking for other people to help and adventures to embark on. The people who saw him leave say he disappeared into thin air, leaving not a trace or elephantine footstep. Rumours abounded in the tabloids the next day that he was capable of time travel, but they were soon forgotten and replaced the next week by the scandal of a woman showing her knees in public. But people often spoke idly of the legend that was Sean Rodrieguez and where he might be now. A question that this other knows the answer to all too well, but that is a whole other story…

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