Many leading relationship experts believe that breaking up with somebody is akin to the grief experienced when a close member of your family dies. A fact that would only perhaps be true if your father were somebody you fucked a few times a week and blew money buying teddy bears for. This isn’t to say that breaking up isn’t a traumatic situation. Another common theory is that whilst in love your body creates more endorphins and when suddenly this love is taken from you, your body essentially goes through a cold turkey withdrawal of having these endorphins. This again is a complete and utter fallacy. Whoever claimed this theory has obviously never experienced a break up whilst you can’t afford your next crack hit, THEN they’d know pain.
Many theories are bandied about the world regarding break ups. Some say it’s a cold turkey withdrawal, some say it’s a grieving process. It is without doubt a cold, dark period of your life. A period where you realize that some period of time at least, you will have to go without sex.
There is no easy remedy for a break up (outside of Amsterdam) but seeing as I got you into this mess I suppose it is really my responsibility to get you out of it as painlessly as possible. So herein lies the guide to Breaking Up Painlessly Like A Man.
Part 1: Preparation.
So you realized it. It may have been whilst you were sat there having to watch Desperate Housewives for the 15th consecutive week whilst your friends were getting hammered and doing drugs with strippers. It may have been when you realized that The Ting Tings really weren’t that awesome. It may have been when you realized that your every movement was now being monitored, measured, graded, timed, criticized or reviewed. One way or another you want out and whilst the swiftest option may seem like a romantic walk to a shallow grave and a swift strike around her head with a shovel this isn’t necessarily the best (or legal) way of dealing with the situation.
The important thing here is to remain mature and think logically. Is she really at fault for the relationship having ran its course? Is it really her fault that that blonde girl at the club the other night had an arse that made you weep at it’s beauty and gave you her number like it was loose change to a beggar? Can you really blame her for changing from a girl very similar to that blonde girl at the club to, well, HER?
The answer, of course, is yes you can. It goes without saying that in instigating a break up you have already decided on some level that everything is the other parties fault and even if it wasn’t you’ve made up some damn good excuses. So now is the time to think of the best possible way of telling her these things in quick succession and then telling her that it’s over. I find that a break up should proceed like a knockout combination in boxing. You lead with the jab then swing the big punch to put them on the canvas, then walk away doing the Ali shuffle to this song.
The important thing is to put her in a situation where she can’t lash out angrily at you, yet still feel suitably demeaned and useless. The cliché here is to go to a restaurant. However I thoroughly recommend attending anything that gathers a large crowd. The recently announced string of The Who concerts are a good idea failing that lower league football teams have very cheap tickets and still attract a crowd measuring into the 10,000 mark. Call up beforehand and tell the event organizer that you have a very important announcement to make to your special lady in your life that you would like to make at the interval. They should accept. Now you have the perfect staging ground.
Pre-write what you’re going to say to her to, make it an epic speech. You want this girl to remember this moment for a long time. So don’t drunkenly fumble “It’s not you it’s you soz x” into a text message, prepare small 2 by 5 cards and if possible arrange for a small podium to stand above her, microphone optional depending on the size of the crowd you have to talk over. It’s a good show of masculine power to throw each separate 2 by 5 card at her as you finish reading from it, however this may incur more wrath than you really want.
Now as with all speeches it’s important to figure out what you say before you get up there to say it and telling your soon to be ex just why she isn’t working for you anymore is a situation that requires tact, mental guile and a good knack for improvisation. However we’re men, so we’ll just lie.
Often there are no real reasons for the break up but believe you me she will ask for them. Women require reasons for many things, I can only presume this is because they so scarcely offer any for the things they do wrong. The relationship probably isn’t working for a variety of reasons but do NOT say the following:
- I want to have sex with other people
- I’m tired of having sex with you (or any euphemism which means that such as “You can only plough the same fields so many times/You can only dig a hole so many ways/Your vagina has lost it’s allure…etc)
- I’d like sex with the annoying side of emotion it now comes with as processing such feeling requires effort which we both know is not my strong suit.
- Well come on, you tell me you wouldn’t want to fuck that girl from the club (whereupon you show her a photo your friend took of you licking the salt for your tequila shot off her breasts.)
Your lies you see, like a portly woman’s thighs, are there to cushion the blow. Needless to say this will be the most crushing moment of her life so you need to soothe her with sweet platitudes. Focus on her good points, the points that made her the woman she was. Indeed it is vital you tell her that the sex was great but more so reassure her that her numerous faults, her numerous glaring faults can be rehabilitated if only she completely and utterly changes her persona. Let her know beyond any doubt that she can control whether or not any man will ever love her by simply not being such a total bitch.
At this point, depending on her temperament she’ll likely start crying. This is merely a devious tactic of hers, an emotional smoke screen if you will, to distract you from your main purpose of having sex with other women. Do not fall for it. It is at this point the tough love must come out for the good of you both. Slowly slide your hands up to her shoulders, look her tenderly in the eye and smile just a little sadly at her. Then proceed to shake her violently and tell her to get a hold of herself.
Now it’s time to leave, don’t drag out leaving this is unfair to her. Don’t say any special little leaving line or do anything tender or fond. The men in romantic movies would hug the woman, perhaps choking back a few tears in a vaguely manly sort of way. This is simply because the actor and 90% of males in the film industry are homosexual and have homosexual ideals of how to treat women. But as a red blooded god of fertility you aren’t going to do this. The best way to leave a sobbing, distraught women for the last time in your relationship is to merely quickly mutter “Gotta go” and then sprint to your car, wheel spin off (particularly effective in dusty or muddy dumping environments) whilst this song is blaring out of your system .
The hardest part is now over and by the hardest part I mean the part that required any real exertion on your behalf whatsoever. Thus we move swiftly on.
Part 2: Moving Swiftly On.
It’s important to not mope around after a break up. As I mentioned before your body will enter a cold turkey rehab of endorphins should you let it. Allow me to educate you somewhat on endorphins.
Endorphins, according the reputable online font of knowledge Wikipedia, are endogenous opioid polypeptide compounds. They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during strenuous exercise, excitement, pain, death, and orgasm.
Strenuous exercise, excitement, pain, death and orgasm are all things commonly found within a relationship, so you can see that clearly after a break up the endorphins are going to be at an all time low. The best method to avoid cold turkey, one often espoused by heroin addicts is the simply avoid going cold turkey. Thus don’t let your body run out of endorphins, have sex, have sex with anything that moves, have sex with things that don’t move, have sex with your hand, with hollowed out melons, cucumbers or particularly tight pipes. Keep those endorphins racing through your system, when you can’t have sex then settle for excitement. Go to biker bars in assless leather trousers, spraying poppers into the air and asking when they want to start doing the YMCA. Skydive with another person and one parachute that neither of you is wearing. Walk into a gaggle of lions and tell them you didn’t care for their Disney movie at all.
This truly is the simplest way to deal with your break up. Psychiatrists would have you believe that to truly deal with something you need to face it head on and deal with it emotionally, that you need time grieve and process your emotions. This is bullshit. There is nothing about emotions that cannot be solved by developing a severe alcohol problem, having sex with anything that moves and, just every once in a while when it all gets that little but too much for you, stealing an ice cream van just to pelt the children that flock to you with ice.
Indeed, fuck psychiatry. You’ve just got to keep your glands pumping out that sweet chemical reaction that stops you from realising you broke up with the girl because the second you realize that you’ll realize that all the effort you put into being with her, getting with her and being with her (because it was a lot of effort it deserves listing twice) was wasted because you wanted to fuck somebody else.
Which leads me to the final part of our little guide to relationships.
Part 3: The Realization.
Ultimately afterward you will come to the harrowing realization that in breaking up with this woman you have effectively wasted all the effort you put into her. All that time jockeying for her attention, all that time winning her favour, all that time getting her to lift the restraining order, all that time seducing her, having sex with her, shopping for sex toys to use on her, thinking of excuses not to see her, the effort spent resisting banging her best friend. All wasted, all completely pointless and cast away into the winds for your stupid, simple, animalistic instincts to conquer and sexually dominate as many separate women as you can. If you gave it some thought you’d realize that it was an incredibly stupid thing to have done and that more so that that woman you left did indeed make you happy in small ways beyond the sex and crushing her spirit systematically over a period of time.
Depressively you’ll reflect, in your darkened room sat in your leather armchair surrounded by the empty cans you’ve drained to forget that you feel any which way about anything that that’s all that this whole relationship thing is really. A lot of effort that is eventually, as sure as the day is long, a waste.
Then you’ll drag yourself up out of the chair, the cans metallically clanging as you topple them with your drunkenly stumbling feet. It’ll be 2am, the moon will be the only light source and you will be alone. You’ll fondly recall the time when you weren’t alone at 2am, when there was somebody there that made you feel good, great to be who you are. Somebody that made you feel much better about being blind drunk at 2am in a dark room. You’ll climb the stairs wearily and upon gazing into the mirror will be staring into sunken eyes that are worn and tired, your shoulders slumped because nobody sinks their nails into them orgasmically each night.
You’ll take your phone from your jeans pocket and a few buttons pushes later you’ll be looking at a photo from when you were together, all smiles and happy eyes, arms clinging to each other. It’s then you’ll come to the wistful second realization…and you’ll smile. You’ll know exactly what it is that you need to do to make things right again, to make you feel whole again. You feverishly tap out a text message as you bound down the stairs again and out into the summers evening air.
After all you never did fuck that blonde girl from the club…
And for that I refer you to The Idiots Guide to Dating Part 1. You’ll thank me later.
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